The events described in this post took place in the lead-up to and during a recent mental health crisis. This is a reflection on that time – it is not intended as mental health advice. This post talks about trauma and suicidal ideation. If you are affected by these or similar issues, please seek professional help as soon as possible.
I promised an update.
It’s been the toughest few months of my life. Looking backwards I can see the cycle. This most recent mental health crisis began in the months leading up to September, 2025. I was under the pressure of university deadlines and found it increasingly difficult to concentrate and get the work done. The content I was writing about for university was related to trauma. At the same time, I was slowly discovering that I myself had been affected by trauma. I began to have regular thoughts of suicide.
I sought professional help through the university psychologist and local mental health centre and managed to push through my deadlines. Then began three months off university. With the pressure gone, I suppressed and ignored my mental health issues. Then my parents came to visit for a few months. Towards the end of their time here, their being around stirred up past shadows of memories.
When university started again, I started seeing a different university psychologist because I felt that the previous one had broken my trust. I had also begun to read a lot about C-PTSD (Pete Walker especially). It shone a light on my habits, behaviours, physical and mental reactions and childhood amnesia. I began to realise that these were issues and that they were all connected.
My psychologist seemed to agree and began working to help me stabilize. As I continued studying C-PTSD and trauma, new university deadlines started closing in and the suicidal ideation returned and became a daily occurrence, with other units dealing with the subject of trauma. The university counselling sessions were infrequent due to demand, and with the pressure mounting, I struggled to keep up with the workload and my personal issues. It all became very confronting.
Then my wife and child went away for a month for a planned trip. I had deadlines coming up, so I didn’t join. Initially I was euphoric. Not because they left, but because I could finally stop putting up a mask to show everyone how capable and okay I was. The high lasted around two days I believe, and then man did I crash. If you read my last few posts it will make more sense.
I’d warned my psychologist that their leaving may affect me, and she became concerned for my safety as our conversations turned rather negative. Because she knew the university’s services were limited, she referred me to a free counselling service specialising in helping people who are dealing with suicidal thoughts and self-harm.
During the set up, I ended up going to the Emergency Department (ED) at the nearest hospital due to being plagued by suicidal thoughts. It was a traumatic experience, which I will likely write about in the near future. Because this experience was so awful, not long after I found myself at the local mental health facility. They set up an outpatient service for me where someone came to check in with me every day and I had the support of doctors, nurses and psychiatrists.
At my worst points I experienced frequent suicidal thoughts, I physically began to shut down to the point I could barely stand up or feed myself, and my cognitive ability – the thing I needed the most during the deadlines – was severely impaired. For years I’ve solved my problems by thinking my way out of them, and here I was unable to process information and write meaningful academic sentences. I felt incredibly vulnerable – all my weaknesses on display and no ability to get myself out of the hole I was in without a lot of external help.
The whole experience was humbling, because I could no longer look after myself or perform cognitively. I’d prided myself on my ability to achieve and now it felt like my IQ was disintegrating in front of me. I reached out to helplines and my unit coordinator and continued communicating with the two main mental health services. I’m incredibly grateful to the many people involved in my recovery process.
Slowly, slowly, my cognitive and physical functions returned. I was given multiple extensions for my assignments, allowing me to spread them out. I still had to dig deep to get them done in time, but one by one, step by step, I knocked it down from 14 to 0 assignments over roughly 8 weeks. By the end I was exhausted, but towards the final three assignments I could feel my brain working more efficiently.
Once the last assignment was done, I had two months off. The first two weeks were mostly doing paperwork to register as a teacher and apply for jobs. However, I’m listening to my body and taking things slowly, sleeping as much as I need. Over those two weeks, the university results came in and somehow everything came back at Distinction level or above. In addition, the weekly counselling helped me figure out key problems and areas to work on (particularly social connections and emotional processing in addition to past trauma).
Now that most of the paperwork is done, I have more time to reflect and learn and work through my emotions. I only have three weeks left of free counselling and then I’m likely back on my own. My psychologist gave me a list of low-cost options, but they’re still unaffordable until I’m working again.
So, the risk of the cycle repeating is clear. In a few weeks, I’ll have to get back into a teaching placement and assignments again. Like last semester, I also have a unit that closely relates to trauma. I can see the potential storms ahead, but at least that helps me to prepare. Hopefully I can do some more processing and learning about trauma before it all starts again.
I learnt several lessons here. The first is that I can’t rely only on intellect without emotion. This has been holding me back for too long. The second is the importance of social connection and belonging. I had to manufacture this by watching comedy shows, sitting in busy places and talking to people in my life (not necessarily about problems). The third lesson is that when it’s all too much, it’s valuable to focus solely on the step in front of you. Do whatever it takes, whether that is writing the first sentence under a heading in an essay, or going for a run. Piece by piece it eventually all comes back together.
The fourth lesson is that being a man with mental health issues presents unique challenges. I’d been told to ‘man-up’ and not cry for so long, I’d forgotten how to cry. The only emotions I was allowed by society to express without punishment (mockery) were happiness or anger (but not too much). It’s so isolating because I became out of touch with my emotions to the point that everything turned inwards against myself. Like a beach ball underwater you can only suppress it for so long and everything violently rose to the surface.
However, the main lesson I learnt is that sometimes you need all the help you can get – screw pride (or what society has told you to be like) – survival is more important. But I don’t want to be always just surviving. I know that long-term I need to find a counsellor trained in somatic and trauma processing.
I’ve tried so long on my own; I can’t do it by myself anymore, but I’m currently at risk of repeating the cycle of suppression and relapse. Yet, for the next few months, until I’m earning money, I’m on my own. I have helplines and the mental health centre if needed, but helplines have been limited (wait times and level of lived experience vs theoretical knowledge and advice) and the mental health centre is crisis-only (during opening hours).
The two main things that helped me when I couldn’t access the help I needed were manufactured social proximity (YouTube videos of friends being silly or sitting or walking in a busy place) and music (particularly Maphra, Devil Sold His Soul, Jade, Burr Oak, and Hybrid Minds).
While I still have time off from my studies, I have a window of time where I can explore my issues a bit more before my final semester and work start. However, I also need to focus on slowing down, listening to my body, developing meaningful connections in my life, and working on processing emotions. Step.
thejourneyx 