This writing took place in the immediate lead-up to my recent mental health crisis. What I write is a window on my state of mind before, during and after a crisis – it is not intended as mental health advice. I was home alone, so I went to a bar for a sense of social connection and began writing rambly, contradictory, rapid-fire one-page (A5) ego-driven entries. This was the beginning of some bad choices and the prelude to the crash. I have since stopped drinking again. If you are experiencing mental health issues, please seek professional help as soon as possible.
28th March 2026
1.
I’m letting go. The world feels so far away. Alcohol gives me an intensity and clarity I can’t ignore. I’ve been bouncing through audio-visuals and synaesthesia. Deep feeling. My processing speed feels rapid. Patterns and connections lining up. Questions lining up. I’m figuring out how I tick, what sets me off.
I was under sensory overload, so I took up drinking, haha.
It feels like the thing that’s holding me back is the IQ/EQ dynamic. If I fix that, it will unlock so much potential.
I hope one day I can repurpose my pain for others. But here I am day-drinking.
2.
Let’s see where this goes. I’m letting my pen do the talking.
Why am I so different? And is this a problem?
I’m coming to terms with the fact my brain works differently. I’m starting to see this as a potential advantage.
My brain seems to process non-stop when I’m not occupied by something else. It’s like I can see a billion opportunities at the same time, but I have to pick one every second, and that shapes the future.
We’re all interconnected, so it’s not just my future; it’s everyone’s in some sense. Just the fact that everyone and everything is interconnected means the decisions we all make affect each other. How groundbreaking is that?
3.
Let’s go, let’s go! So I’m outrunning the pain and trauma for now. But it reminds me of that dream where someone’s chasing you from a distance, but all you can do is crawl, but you wake up not knowing if they would have caught you.
I can’t sit silently by myself. I’ve actively sought out my ‘corner of chaos’ in the bar. I can safely observe life passing and go into my depths.
Weird thing is I want to be approached, yet that would also feel like a violation. Lonely, lone-wolf, yet longing for connection. Connection without responsibility.
I’m not sure where I’m at. I’ll probably stay for one more to see what happens. Then it’s back to the man cave.
4.
I had to wait for my drink, but I wasn’t bothered at all. Usually I would be, but I have nowhere better to be and I’m enjoying the revelry. Lots of people are celebrating – I’m happy for them.
This is the part of life I think I’m missing out on. I used to love the fun, the nonsense, the vibe, but eventually it got too much and my mind went for annihilation (aka dissociation).
I couldn’t drink without going to blackout. It was fun before that happened. Alcohol used to loosen people up so we could have the depth of conversation I desired. It was connection, it was HEALING.
I don’t have that anymore and I guess I’m grieving that. On the other hand, the dissociation is so strong I don’t feel lonely. I’m content to watch people have a good time.
By this point, my writing was borderline illegible:
5.
My god I stayed way longer than planned. I’ve completely let go. I think it’s because the bartender is similar to me in some ways. Haha.
I tried to smoke and failed. LOL. Everyone I asked instantly judged me for smoking. Drinking to excess is fine though LOL.
F*** me, I’m so f***ed up.
I did manage to smoke one cigarette and didn’t like it and haven’t smoked again since.
thejourneyx 