Fight for the help you need.
I’m going to follow some advice and write about how things feel in the moment without trying to make sense of it.
My whole body feels like it’s giving up. I’m losing the ability to do basic things (physically and mentally).
Mentally: I can’t find the words I need. I can’t process information. Tasks with multiple steps (e.g. making food) are a struggle. I’m moving through sadness to apathy. I generally feel foggy and unable to make clear decisions.
Physically: My body has pins and needles in some places, and general numbness in others. My muscles are weak, and movement, when possible, is slow. I’m writing from a fixed position. Breathing is often held without me realising, and the muscles around my ribcage are tight. My jaw is clenched. I feel like I’m bleeding strength.
As my energy from holding the fight response dwindles, I’m slowly moving into the ultimate safety lockdown. If my body goes into a complete freeze, I can’t hurt myself. I think that’s what this is about. Problem is I can barely feed myself when my body shuts down. I get brief periods of capacity before it all shuts down again. Less and less functional.
The mental health centre I was seen at the other day was planning to set up home visits for me, but this didn’t get sorted before the long weekend started. I feel like that or some kind of care facility is what I need, but firstly, it’s a long weekend, and secondly I can’t navigate finding out how to set up in-patient care without bankrupting myself. I’m an international student, and my insurance company doesn’t always fully pay out for things).
This is not an emergency – an ambulance is unnecessary and overly dramatic (and expensive). It’s just so frustrating that until this is a genuine emergency there’s not enough help. Additionally, don’t have mental health problems on weekends or public holidays…
I’m choosing to hold on to a brittle hope that Tuesday’s session will help, that over time, things will get better, and that one day I will work through all this and reach my potential and be in a position to help others like me. I just need the chance to get there.
3 days to go…
thejourneyx 