This post deals with sensitive topics including trauma and suice. If you’re affected by these issues, seek professional help as soon as possible. There are people who want to help you, but healing needs time and appropriate guidance.
As my body remembers and the fragments return piece by piece, life gets progressively harder. I still don’t know what happened, but my present is clouded by the ghosts of my past. It seems my body knows what happened, but my mind refuses to accept it. Until or if I remember fully, I’m in flux.
Trauma never sleeps. The dam is breaching – I can no longer ignore or suppress it – it’s all consuming.
The cruelty, the torment of not knowing for sure, but knowing in my gut that something happened, someone I should have been able to trust did something unspeakable to me. Grief, anger, despair, suicidal ideation.
How can an adult do that to a child? How can anyone do that to another? Do they not know the inextinguishable anguish, the pain and destruction of lives they cause? So much devastation just for a few moments of sick pleasure?
Anger is too soft. I’m left with uncontrollable rage, with nowhere to direct it.
I get it, but I don’t. I’m lost.
thejourneyx 