Running

17th February 2026

This writing took place in the lead-up to my recent mental health crisis. What I write is a window on my state of mind before, during and after a crisis – it is not intended as mental health advice. If you are experiencing mental health issues, please seek professional help as soon as possible.

I’ve been running for as long as I remember. For years I didn’t recognize that I was running. What am I running from? Myself, demons of the past perhaps.

I’ve been in survival mode for so long that running is my safety in a way. It allows me to function at a high level in society. I’m scared that if I stop running, I’ll slide back into malaise, apathy and death.

However, you can only run for so long before you begin to unravel. This is where I find myself now. Constantly revving until burnout and mental collapse.

Fragments, clues from others, books, each time I feel the precipice. I feel like no one gets me and then a puzzle piece is revealed. C-PTSD, IFS, avoidance.

My brain doesn’t want me to remember, but the body keeps the score. I have to know the truth. What happened to me?

Relentless fatigue, unending responsibility and the constant need for more, to be more. The need to know I’m okay – to really feel that.

The darkness is creeping back in. I guess it never left. One solution I can never take. Stuck. The feeling of being alone with nobody who can ever understand.

Judgement. So much cruel judgement. So you suppress and repress. Who am I? What happened to me? Quite the conundrum.

I remember very little of my childhood. That can’t be normal. There’s a residue, but I can only grasp at fragments and common threads.

My reality now is that I react strongly to criticism and have a relentless drive to be better. It’s an unhealthy obsession – never enough, never satisfied. No joy. No fulfilment. Hollow, empty. Sad, scared and alone. A defenseless child in an adult body.

If it wasn’t for family, I wouldn’t be here, yet that same reason is my prison.             Nowhere left to run. Nowhere to hide. Time to find answers no matter where it leads.