Despite my negative experiences, if you’re experiencing a crisis, I urge you to seek all the professional (and emotional) help you can. Even the negative experiences can save your life as they have for me.
Since my last post I crashed hard. I’ve been to both the Emergency Department at the hospital and a Mental Health Centre.
The first experience was traumatic as I experienced extreme sensory overload and the whole experience felt like noone cared, but being there probably saved my life.
I only went there because the people on the helplines told me to. In reality I waited for over 6 hours. Noone checked on me and noone noticed when I left the second time.
20 minutes into my 2.5 hour walk home I received a call telling me to come back. They’d lost my trust by that point and I just needed sleep so I made the painful walk home.
Since then it seems like my body has gone into Dorsal Vagal Collapse. There are times I can barely move or look after basic needs. My whole body had been stuck in fight mode for too long bracing for an impact that never comes.
Usually I refuse medication due to its effect on my brain, but my executive function is already impaired, so here we are: the Mental Health Centre gave me medicine to calm my nervous system, so I’m using it as and when needed.
Everything is broken: my mental health and now my physical health. All of my coping mechanisms are failing.
I’m living alone for 3 more weeks and the deadlines are coming, but I have nothing left to give and noone to turn to. My mind and my body are done.
It’s a long weekend and my next scheduled professional support is on Tuesday. I just have to make it a few more days. As I have noone and my usual coping mechanisms are not working, I feel like simulating co-regulation is my best shot.
So: electronic music in the background to avoid the silence, provide a stable beat and connect emotionally; alternating between cold and hot water to reset my nervous system and allow me to feel; writing here; and messaging a few friends (to seek connection, not to talk about this problem).
If you feel like checking-in with me before Tuesday by sending a reply to this post or an email to jon@thejourneyx.com I’d really appreciate it. I’ve never felt so vulnerable.
Wish me luck. Keep fighting…
JR
thejourneyx 
I’m really sorry you’re going through such a difficult period, Jon. It sounds incredibly heavy.
What you’re describing makes sense for a system that’s been pushed for a long time and is now completely spent. The things you’re already doing (music, water, reaching out a bit) sound like solid ways to get through this. Keep it small and steady.
The way you’re using writing feels like a good instinct too. Even just a few lines about how things feel in the moment can help, without trying to make sense of it all right now.
I hope the person you’re seeing on Tuesday is someone who really gets you and can support you, including advocating on your behalf if needed. In my experience, getting connected through more immediate or intensive support when things get this hard can sometimes make it easier to access more ongoing support afterward, like partial or residential programs, rather than trying to navigate it all on your own.
It’s a lot right now, but you’re doing what you can to get through it. Take it one step at a time.
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Thank you. It’s nice to hear from someone who gets it. I may well be at the residential stage. Today’s going to be very minimal.
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“Very minimal” sounds like exactly the right call right now. Take care today.
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