Trauma

This is going to be messy and unorganized, but unfiltered.

I know there are people who have had it far worse than I could ever imagine and I feel deeply for anyone who’s gone through any kind of trauma. However, one of the biggest sources of pain and suffering that I see and experience in the world is judgement. My feelings are as valid as anyone else’s. We need to stop invalidating people’s feelings and start asking why people are behaving in the way they are and then deal with the behaviour with compassion.

Here’s my story–no solutions at this stage, only my account as I’m still processing it all (the gift of brushes with suicide). I’m sure the other people in my life will see things differently, and that’s okay. Their feelings are as valid as anyone else’s.

---

I don’t know exactly what happened to me during childhood, but the ramifications are clear to me now. Some of the signs are that I’m regularly stressed and dysregulated and tend to have addictive tendencies to cope and that I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. However, as I commence shadow work, memories have started to resurface…

I care about my parents and believe they were doing the best they knew how to. They were never violent and provided for my physical needs, but here’s what I remember:

I remember my dad used to threaten us (my brother and I) with ‘sanctions’. I remember he had to work far away during the week for a time–I was told he went through a really tough time during that time.

I remember being told (even now as an adult) that I didn’t look like I was enjoying myself when I actually am. I remember being told (even now as an adult) that I always did the minimum to get by. I remember my dad seeming to be proud of this.

I remember often being called ‘mummy’s little helper’. I remember not being taught independence. I remember not being prepared for the world when I left home–having to learn basic life skills by myself. I remember my mum crying and threatening to leave us (abandon us) when she couldn’t handle our behaviour (which was never violent).

I remember my brother and I laughing a lot and mum judging us as ‘silly’. I remember internalising that this was unacceptable to her. I remember the teasing when my brother showed interest in girls and my suppression as a result. I remember the loneliness. I remember wanting to be held. I remember my neediness. I remember the lack of social skills and consequently the lack of quality friendships.

I remember dad’s commentary of TV shows, judging other people’s behaviour and thereby implicitly telling us how I wouldn’t be acceptable to him. I remember hating being told what to do. I hated being forced to do things. I remember feeling powerless and controlled.

I remember the judgment. So much judgment. Not just from my parents, but from the church also. I remember judgment always superseding guidance. I remember my suppressed feelings of guilt and shame that still haunt me now.

I remember wanting to escape so many times. I remember not being able to be me and, as a result, not really knowing what ‘being me’ means anymore. I have a general sense of emotional suppression. So much suppression. I don’t know what ‘normal’ emotions feel like. Boys don’t cry (or smile, or laugh apparently).

I remember feeling unloved, unacceptable and alone.

I remember.

---

Time to end the cycle…

---

Related posts:

Survival

Why

Control

Revelations