Despite my negative experiences, if you’re experiencing a crisis, I urge you to seek all the professional (and emotional) help you can. Even the negative experiences can save your life as they have for me.
Since my last post I crashed hard. I’ve been to both the Emergency Department at the hospital and a Mental Health Centre.
The first experience was traumatic as I experienced extreme sensory overload and the whole experience felt like noone cared, but being there probably saved my life.
I only went there because the people on the helplines told me to. In reality I waited for over 6 hours. Noone checked on me and noone noticed when I left the second time.
20 minutes into my 2.5 hour walk home I received a call telling me to come back. They’d lost my trust by that point and I just needed sleep so I made the painful walk home.
Since then it seems like my body has gone into Dorsal Vagal Collapse. There are times I can barely move or look after basic needs. My whole body had been stuck in fight mode for too long bracing for an impact that never comes.
Usually I refuse medication due to its effect on my brain, but my executive function is already impaired, so here we are: the Mental Health Centre gave me medicine to calm my nervous system, so I’m using it as and when needed.
Everything is broken: my mental health and now my physical health. All of my coping mechanisms are failing.
I’m living alone for 3 more weeks and the deadlines are coming, but I have nothing left to give and noone to turn to. My mind and my body are done.
It’s a long weekend and my next scheduled professional support is on Tuesday. I just have to make it a few more days. As I have noone and my usual coping mechanisms are not working, I feel like simulating co-regulation is my best shot.
So: electronic music in the background to avoid the silence, provide a stable beat and connect emotionally; alternating between cold and hot water to reset my nervous system and allow me to feel; writing here; and messaging a few friends (to seek connection, not to talk about this problem).
If you feel like checking-in with me before Tuesday by sending a reply to this post or an email to jon@thejourneyx.com I’d really appreciate it. I’ve never felt so vulnerable.
Wish me luck. Keep fighting…
JR
thejourneyx 