Revelations

I’d like to preface this by saying that I’m not a mental health or medical professional. If you’ve experienced any of the issues I talk about, please seek professional help. What I describe below has not been officially diagnosed for me, but is based on a lot of reading and introspection.

Below are my lessons from a recent suicidal experience–I’m me, you’re you. Maybe there’s something useful for you, but only you know that–use discernment.

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It’s been one hell of a ride. This is me processing what the hell just happened to me …

The ride…

Not long ago I was feeling suicidal. That episode provided me with a choice: dig deeper than I ever have before and take on my dragon(s) for the sake of myself and my family or die. I chose to find a way to live and made growth my number one priority.

For me, extreme darkness often precedes explosive growth. In the depths though, it feels like there’s only one insidious way out. It whispers and beckons and invites me to end it all—comfort in the dark. Every time I believe I can’t succeed… until I do. It’s always when I’m most ready to give up that I see the light.

Weirdly though, it took university assignment deadlines to realise this. I’ve had a lot of them in a short time. I’ve had to write assignments from scratch, almost knowing nothing about the specific topic focus. The cycle is the same each time. I start to feel like I’m in over my head. I struggle through. I experience relentless self-doubt—not just, ‘Can I do it?’ but ‘How is this even possible?’

I struggle and struggle in the dark, pushing and pushing until something clicks and I start to see a pinpoint of light. Then it’s an equally long push, but this time I’m energised with hope and self-confidence as the light increases. I come out the other side exhausted, ruined for a couple of days.

My experience of suicidal ideation follows the same process on a much darker level. After this kind of episode, I reflect. Although I never really stop for fear of giving up, in the exhaustion that follows, there are pockets of stillness. The lessons start as a trickle and turn into a flood.

There’s something about the stillness in the aftermath, the necessary rest and recovery that allows me to hear and receive. Vivid dreams, resurfacing memories, a wealth of unlikely coincidences (or increased awareness) and connections. I’m finally listening to my body and soul again.

I’m going through an intense period of self-reflection and intense study to understand what the hell happened. I’m stabilizing, but I’m not the same man I was going into this. Fuelled by pain, fear and insights from people I encountered through my despair. Hopefully in the future, I can find a less extreme way to get the same results…

Lessons

A conversation on a helpline helped me realise I probably hadn’t been shown enough affection as a child. My experience of reaching out for help and not perceiving that I’d received the help I needed helped me realise I had fears of abandonment. My reaction led me to discover that I probably have an avoidant attachment style. And an insightful comment on a previous post helped me realise that I had probably experienced complex trauma which led me to look into healing my inner child and doing shadow work.

It seems my issues probably stem from emotional neglect in childhood (despite my parents’ best efforts). I experience stifled emotions (and possibly alexithymia) and have limited, but repeated memories (I’m looking into the significance of these).

I’m fiercely independent, yet I want to collapse in someone’s arms (societally unacceptable for a man). I long for connection, but often avoid it. I delve into work and other addictive things. I logic my way out of having to feel, and I take things personally and feel abandoned when I reach out for support and it doesn’t work out how I hoped (see this post). I avoid conflict at all costs.

The most interesting realisation is that I’m regularly drawn to parent figures. It’s like I’m looking for the help I didn’t receive as a child. I also fear putting my own child through the same issues, so I feel I have to fix myself before the damage is done (if it hasn’t been done already) or before I do anything unfixable. My mission is to end the generational cycle—it feels like my parents are following a program that they learnt in their childhood.

So I got hold of every book I could about attachment styles, CPTSD and Complex Trauma and have been working my way through all of them. I also began asking myself progressively deeper ‘why’ questions, and my behaviours have begun to make sense.

Understanding is the first step to change. As I learn why I do/think/feel things, I begin to learn to accept them, but also realise that I have the power to change them. This enables me to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve found that you have to be really willing to delve deep into shadow work, but I’ve come to a point where I feel that if I want to survive and become the best I can be for my family, I’ve realised the only way forward is through.

I think of myself as resilient, but after surviving suicidal ideation, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do—I’m effectively forcing myself to relive trauma to free myself from its hold. It’s harder than I ever imagined–outside of actual survival mode, I’ve never felt so drained.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Eventually, I hope to move on to more constructive posts, but I’m currently in the processing phase. Thank you for reading.

If you are dealing with similar issues, please talk to a qualified mental health professional.

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Related posts:

Survival

Why

Control