I recently went through a mental health crisis. While I encourage you to follow the ideas in this post I wrote previously., I’m going to explain why those resources failed me in the hope that someone who works in mental health sees this and has the power and motivation to do something about it. I also hope that by sharing, people get more insight into the challenges faced by people who experience depression and suicidal ideation.
Before I go on, I want to make it clear that just because things didn’t work for me, you should definitely seek help if you need it. You’ve got to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe and on the road to recovery.
I’ll outline what happened first, and then I’ll explain why it was unsuccessful for me in my circumstances (yours are different).
I started experiencing a barrage of suicidal thoughts that fractured my concentration, so I set up a counselling session. In the meantime, I reached out to helplines when I was most distressed. The helplines gave me quick actions I could take that would be positive steps towards getting help. I then attended the counselling session and was given more actions I could take. I spiralled shortly after and called more helplines. One directed me to be assessed at a mental health facility. I was eventually assessed, offered medication and was encouraged to speak to my GP to set up counselling and TMS.
All sounds positive and productive right? So what went wrong?
Barriers. Mental health crises are exhausting—you just need help ASAP. I did what I was supposed to do, but I faced several challenges. It seems all of the helplines are overwhelmed, so you sometimes have to wait for hours and their goal is to get you off the line within 20 minutes. They do this by listening and then offering options for you to try after the call. It’s hit and miss how experienced or intuitive the person on the other end is.
Counselling has been the most effective treatment for me, but it’s too expensive. There are free options available, but you are limited on how many sessions you can have and they are always spread out. You also get no say in who your counsellor is.
During my counselling session, my counsellor asked me about whether I would consider medication. I retold my story about how medications turned me into a zombie and ruined my cognitive functioning. The counsellor then told me about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation therapy (TMS), which can be effective in people for whom medication hasn’t worked. I looked into this, but it turns out you need a referral from a GP (General Practitioner). More on this later.
I booked another counselling session and later experienced a downward spiral of suicidal ideation. I tried to get through to more helplines and wasted hours doing so. Eventually, I got through to one that recommended I get assessed by the local mental health team. They gave me a phone number which turned out to be somewhere on the other side of the country. However, the kind man on the phone directed me to my local centre.
I turned up at the local centre and was told to wait. I got impatient and they told me it wouldn’t be long. An hour and a half later, my morning was gone and I decided I’d be better off at home. They called me later and arranged for me to come in another day.
I came in as arranged and they kept me waiting again. Eventually, I was assessed by a psychiatrist who went through my whole history again and, despite me telling them that medication hadn’t helped me in the past, the psychiatrist offered medication (including one I had told them didn’t help me). I rejected this, and they told me that there was essentially nothing they could do for me. More of my time and hope wasted. However, they suggested I go to my GP to get a referral for 10 free counselling sessions.
So, for 10 free counselling sessions and TMS, you need referrals from a GP. I set up an appointment to see a GP initially for the TMS referral, but after I learnt about the 10 free counselling sessions, it made sense to ask for both at the same time.
However, GPs are gatekeepers. If you have a minor illness, you’re better off not wasting your time and money going to a pharmacy and just buying medicine there instead. Some medicine requires a prescription, and seeing a specialist requires a referral, so if you need either of those, you’re in the GP’s hands. Then, once you have your referral, you need to arrange treatment times with another provider. After that, you may have to wait weeks or months for a suitable time or schedule of treatment.
As planned, I went to a GP for a referral for counselling and TMS, but after retelling my story again, I was offered an info sheet with helplines and told to come back for another appointment to set up a mental health care plan.
After all of this wasted time with no meaningful help, I’ve decided to go it alone. I’m not going back to the GP and I’ve cancelled the counselling. I can’t bear jumping through more and more hoops with no end in sight, retelling my story to more and more people who just want you out the door as quickly as possible (with the exception of the counsellor).
Each time it looks like there’s help, there’s a barrier in the way, be it gatekeepers, availability, time spent, lack of punctuality or cost. When you are frazzled from battling your own mind and fighting to keep everything functioning normally, false hope can be incredibly dangerous. I choose to go it alone because I can’t bear my hope being shattered again and I’m the only one who can get through this. Noone can do it for me.
However, I’ve had to be careful about how I go about closing the loops I’ve opened. I was told quite frankly (after asking) that if I’m deemed to be a risk and I refuse help that they would put me in hospital against my will. So, I’ve told them I’m doing better (which I am) and that I’m doing things to put myself in a better position mentally. I imagine, by the way they’ve treated me that that should be enough for them to tick their boxes that I’m ‘safe’.
Those are the systemic problems. Now I’d like to address my personal issues with reaching out for help.
Because of the nature of what I’m going through, most of the people I speak to don’t, can’t or won’t understand what’s going on in my mind. Having been burnt in the past, I also don’t talk about it openly because people either don’t want to hear it or they can’t see why you would feel the way you do. My basic needs are met. I have no financial or relationship issues etc.—what’s the problem? Or people judge: “How could you be so selfish?” Or people take it personally: “Do you not love me? How could you think of doing that to me/us?”
I’ve never really wanted to kill myself, I just feel so alone because I’ve been in pain for so long and no one understands me. When you’ve been in pain for so long despite making progress and doing the ‘right’ things, it’s exhausting. I just want peace. And for someone who always tries to use logic to solve problems, sometimes the idea of resting in peace makes a lot of sense. But then I remind myself of my reasons to keep fighting, I get up and push on.
Another reason I don’t discuss this with anyone is that I don’t want any disruptions to my life. I’m a high-functioning individual and don’t want anyone in my family to know what’s going on (for the reasons above). If I end up needing treatment, it needs to fit into my normal schedule without affecting my family time.
Additionally, if I end up in hospital against my will because someone deems me ‘at risk’, then my future plans will get disrupted, it will affect my family and would cause me further distress. I need my life to carry on as normal; routines and progress keep me going. I just thought that receiving some support would help me to do that more effectively.
However, the message I’ve received in several countries from mental health/medical professionals is that my time isn’t important unless my death is imminent—I don’t matter. Despite retelling my story so many times, no one is listening, and my feelings don’t matter. If you set an appointment, honour it. I have as much time available to spend on seeking ‘help’ as they do making time for me now.
I know people will say that services are overwhelmed, but does that mean we have to lack compassion? Do people need to suffer more than they already do? Maybe if enough staff were hired and treated well, they might pass on compassion instead of trying to medicate you and get you out the door ASAP.
So, in the end I’m alone. The ultimate message I’ve received is that it’s 100% up to me to navigate this. This leads me on to our next post: Control.
thejourneyx 
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