(Unfiltered post)
I’m just coming out of a deep, dark, suicidal depression that’s lasted for the past two weeks or so. I’ve experienced depression since I was a young child and the lesson, I keep receiving from most mental health professionals is that my problems aren’t serious enough.
I tend to get waves of suicidal ideation from time to time and every single time I feel so alone and that there is no hope. It feels like no one understands. On the surface, my needs are more than met, so why would I think about killing myself? How do you explain that to anyone who’s never been here?
Back to the point. At my lowest points, I always realise that I could never do that to my family. But what if one day I could? I’ve always managed to logic my way out of my problems or find something to hold onto. But what if one day I can’t?
Mental health professionals assess me, decide I’m not in immediate danger and then nudge me away from their care. Ultimately, I’ve learnt over and over that despite some well-meaning people wanting to help, the timely support just isn’t there.
It seems the only way I could get the help I need is to tell them I’m planning to do it imminently. But, why would I do that? Essentially, I’d be asking them to legally imprison me (for my own safety). And if I were planning to do it imminently, why bother telling anyone who could stop me? Surely the goal should be to cure the disease. Medication isn’t enough. Triage isn’t enough.
So you learn to cope by yourself. Noone I can talk to because the only person I know who has been through this is dead (by suicide). I only have myself and my resources–dangerous when your mind turns against itself as I recently discovered.
So how did I come through this time? As always I bounced back over a couple of days—all or nothing I guess. A psychologist I was seeing twisted the knife when they realised how much I care for my child. They told me how much it messes up family, especially kids. (She was just doing what she could to protect me). I was initially so angry about being told that—it felt like manipulation and torture. I wanted to sleep and never wake up, yet through my gut-wrenching sense of compassion, the idea of doing that to another person, especially my own child, was too much. I felt stuck, angry, sad.
So I thought about it from a different point of view. If I could never do that to my child, how can I be the best father for my child so they never get in my position (or at least know how to navigate it). And that’s what’s keeping me going. Hope.
If you ever feel the way I’ve described, seek help immediately, but make damn sure you have things to hold onto. Things to cope, things to keep you going. Hope.
thejourneyx 
It’s really inspiring to see the hope and reflection you’ve found in thinking about how to be the best father you can be. At the same time, it sounds like your psychologist wasn’t fully attuned and might have been reacting more to their own anxiety about your pain than truly supporting you. Even well-intentioned guilt-based approaches can backfire and make you feel heavier. Sadly, many (or maybe even most) clinicians aren’t comfortable sitting with suicidal thoughts, which is why finding the right fit—perhaps someone trained in (complex) trauma and PTSD—can make such a difference. Peer groups, or connecting with people who really ‘get it,’ plus podcasts, books, or online communities, can also be grounding. You deserve support that steadies you and helps you hold onto hope. Wishing you well.
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Thank you so much, TheZebraPuzzle, for your support and insight. I’m really touched that you found inspiration in what I shared. You’re right—I know the psychologist meant well, but at this stage, I think the most impactful external help would be talking to someone who ‘gets it’ as you said. Alongside my main reasons for keeping going, writing (published or not) and knowing I’ve been able to help someone else, even in a small way, have helped a great deal. Your kindness means a lot—thank you again.
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