To my regular readers,
It has been a tough few weeks. My mental health has taken a dive and I do not feel able to write anything of quality at the moment. I have little clarity.
When I am feeling better I will start writing constructive posts again, but for now, here is an update:
Quasi-Lockdown
The quasi-lockdown has been extended to the end of the school year and I feel this has been a contributing factor in the decline in my mental health:
We used to go out regularly for exercise, and I used to cycle to work. The cycle was not only exercise (medicine for depression), but also 2 hours a day to clear my head. I do not have that now.
Online teaching has been challenging and a lot more preparation than classroom teaching for me. Overall, I prefer working from home, but there is always the looming threat outside our door.
I miss our social interactions with our friends and family. I also have worries about the future of my jobs and the consequence of losing the only income we have.
Each year, students graduate and leave school. Traditionally now, schools will be looking to recruit new students through in-school demo classes to replace the classes lost through graduation. We have already seen students leave because their parents do not want online classes. It is unclear how many will want to sign up as new students directly online with no certainty over when the physical classrooms will open again. Demo lessons will be challenging too. I am unsure now about changing my working situation with such instability, but my health will not tolerate it forever.
Memory
I am experiencing several depression related problems at the moment, but my biggest issue currently is my memory. This is something I will write about in detail at some point but I am so foggy and my energy has been depleting fast over the last few weeks and days. Everything is taking huge amounts of energy. Some people may think nothing of putting the bedsheets on the bed, but all of the steps required to complete the task seem overwhelming to my overloaded mind. This is often a reason why people think depressed people are lazy. I eventually made my bed, but still messed it up before completing it. It seems ridiculous to people without depression, but I write this blog to give you insight into a depressed person’s mind.
Depression and memory are a downward spiral. It starts with forgetfulness. You get frustrated or annoyed with yourself because you cannot remember something simple like why you went into that room or what you were just doing before your child dropped food on the floor.
Your frustrations make the depression worse. As the depression worsens, so does your memory. You then forget steps from more simple/routine things like washing your hair when taking a shower, or finishing making a cup of tea (you find it on the side, cold, 30 minutes later). This becomes a problem when you are doing things for someone else. It can be even worse when it is something important.
If you mess something up (which I frequently do), you annoy the other person (who wishes they had just done it themself) and then you feel useless, frustrated and annoyed. The cycle repeats…but worse…and worse…and so on. Then, for me, more physical symptoms develop such as eye pressure, tension, and headaches to name the most disruptive. Stress and depression are terrible for your physical health (see “Overwork” for more details). Add in lack of rest/sleep/working overtime/any other unexpected problems and everything snowballs much faster.
Temp-fixes
My best tools right now are to take my own advice (see “Triggers and Tools“) and taking every opportunity I can to rest/sleep, and write down all procedures I need to remember. I have checklists for different jobs. Very useful as long as I remember to use them…
Window of opportunity
It seems I ignored my own wake up call in “Overwork”. My body and mind are prompting me to make a change, but my fogginess is affecting my judgement. I have a false sense of risk vs reward-not changing anything is a risk in itself.
I feel I am running out of time to fix myself. I am approaching what I call the “depression haze”. I feel it is my mind’s way of protecting itself. I am drawn into it by a semi-euphoric state that gradually rolls into numbness. Hard to describe. I feel like the numbness protects me from the darkness.
Hardly anything good comes from the haze-I become an emotionless apathetic zombie. Although initially, this stops me from making any permanent bad decisions, eventually the apathy takes over so much that nothing has meaning any more. Then you are only steps away from catastrophe.
I have so many topics I want to share with you when I have the time, energy and clarity, I will start working on these, but I need to get myself in order first.
If you want to do something you will find a way. If you do not, you will find an excuse.
Goodbye for now, thanks for your support.
thejourneyx 