That was intense.
What happened?
If you read my last post “Depression: a “depressive episode”” you will see that I found myself in a pretty dark place. Things escalated very quickly to the point I felt unable to control the situation. It had been a long and gradual process that crept up on me and snowballed.
I was stressed, a little anxious, frustrated, sometimes angry and upset. I was experiencing extreme fatigue and a days long headache. Inevitably my thought processes and concentration were screwed up in the process. I was unable to make quality decisions which compounded the problem.
I am still depressed; there is no magic solution for that, but it is manageable again.
Why are you writing about it?
I choose to write about the dark side to provide insight into the thinking that occurs in that state and to help reduce stigma surrounding talking about mental illness. I want to show people that it is not about attention seeking and that what may seem ridiculous or easy to solve for one person is a very real problem for another. When you are stuck in your head, you cannot see the world clearly.
What went wrong?
A combination of things went wrong. My job was busier than usual with more pressure and paperwork. At the same time I was pushing myself to achieve other things that are important to me. I have also been working long hours with virtually no regular scheduled day off for months (although there were some public holidays that made a big difference).
I have been so focused on making money, worrying that one day I might not be able to work and bring in enough money for the family that I neglected my own health. Ironically this made that probability higher.
I had a few goal-related “to-do” items that were really important to me. Balancing time that is free of distraction and getting enough rest to provide clarity proved too challenging.
My concentration was completely fragmented. Every time I was getting into my zone, something interrupted it. I knew that I just needed 30 minutes of solid concentration and the task would be complete. Again and again I was unable to get the time I needed and I got more and more frustrated.
I was already aware that my already low energy reserves had been depleting so I had taken action to make up for it. I slept in more, had baths and went for walks to relax, and stopped working on non-essential things. This was working.
What I had not allowed for were the unexpected stresses that came each time right after I had used my tools to get things under control. I will not go into much detail but a failing memory and fragmented concentration inevitably caused misunderstandings and conflict.
How did I get back?
Ultimately it was a supportive wife who recognised things were not right and took the time to listen, understand and discuss possible strategies for the future that brought me back.
I also continued to use my tools. I spent time figuring out how and why I got there in the first place. I looked to outside sources to help me understand depression and thinking patterns more.
I chose to use time more strategically and limit myself to those windows of concentration. I achieved the tasks I was aiming to and immediately felt more relaxed, even though stress at work continues.
What can I do to move forward?
The following is advice from me to myself based on my circumstances:
Never neglect physical or mental health. For someone with depression, physical health is extra important because a decline in physical health can speed up mental decline and a mental decline can cause physical symptoms. It is a vicious cycle.
Accept that once the “focus time” is over, it is over. Once people are around taking up your time and concentration, stop. Write ideas down to avoid forgetting and come back to it another time.
Continue to recognise triggers and develop and use tools to deal with them.
Recognise that small things add up. Deal with seemingly minor things immediately where possible.
The snowball effect can strengthen you or destroy you. You can learn useful things every day, build good healthy habits and routines or you can let things slip here and there, let bad habits or apathy creep in and see how things build faster and faster. Which outcome looks better?
Self-analysis is a crucial skill to continuously develop. Other people will not always be there to fix things for you and it is not their responsibility to. Ultimately your health is your responsibility. Recognise your triggers and keep adding tools to your toolbox.
What you (the reader) can do to help yourself
If you have experienced or are experiencing depression, try reading my other posts “Depression: tiredness”, “Depression: how to help”, and “Depression: triggers and tools” for insight and tips.
The blog
Talking about depression needs to become normal and constructive.
I will continue to write about less popular, darker subjects within depression because it is important – we need to talk about the elephant(s) in the room.
The night is always darkest before the dawn. There is always hope and I will be writing about that too.
Feel free to suggest topics that you want to read more about in the comments.
Have you found yourself in a similar situation? How did you react?
thejourneyx 