Preface
I have very quickly found myself in a deep layer of depression and the only thing I can think to do is to try and write myself out of it.
What you are about to read is the mind of someone deep in darkness. I cannot guarantee the quality of this post as it is pretty raw.
Journey into the darkness
The speed things have got out of control is much like an avalanche or runaway train. It started slowly and gradually. A bad night’s sleep here, an argument there, add in some stressful moments at work and unnecessary extra tasks and suddenly gravity’s pull feels inescapable. Such is the dark spiral of negative thoughts.
“Triggers and tools”?
What about my own advice? Triggers and tools?
Yes, I know, I am using what I have but it has all come at me faster than I was ready for. I have had a bath, listened to calming music, taken more sleep, gone for a walk, switched off technology and more. Each time my tools worked, and each time shortly after, another trigger came along.
Unfortunately I still have responsibilities I cannot shake. I have to continue regardless of what is going on in my head. Maybe I need a bigger toolbox.
Stuck in my head
I am stuck in my own head which can be a dangerous place to be for too long and damaging for relationships.
Someone close to me told me today “it’s like your body is here but your mind is somewhere else.” It is true.
I am in my head looking for answers. I know what to do but responsibility holds me back. I know that is kind of self-destructive but I see no positive alternative and that is the problem.
Life in monochrome
In this state I struggle to see anything in colour. Everything is in shades of the same colour (and mostly dark).
End of the road?
The scariest part is that the logical voice in my brain reminds me there is a way to make this stop.
I will not listen to that voice, it has led me to some very dark places before. I hold onto thoughts of family to snap me out of it. It is about time I named it: suicide. Or rather suicidal thoughts. They have been plaguing me for months and it only just dawned on me that that is not normal.
Calling the thought out by name helps. Writing relieves some of the weight. What is a normal baseline of emotion for non-depressed people is something I fight to achieve most days. Any more is a luxury. It is exhausting.
Running on empty
I have had eye-ache and a headache for two days, I am irritable and angry and upset at the same time. I cannot stay hydrated and the cycle keeps going downward. My vision is blurring and my focus is shot. I am told my face looks like someone on drugs. I do not do drugs, I do not drink. My dark circles are getting lower and lower.
Fragmentation
Being in this state ruins your concentration and memory and then you get more frustrated because you started 5 tasks, have not finished any and get annoyed that you cannot remember what you are doing.
I have been focusing on the wrong things and fragmenting my concentration in the process. Never multi-task by choice.
Meaning
What does any of this mean? I occasionally get bursts of clarity but my wandering thoughts are often non-sensical and I do not know where they end.
Hope
I am hoping for a good day tomorrow. I need one more than ever. I was so close yesterday.
I need more rest, relaxation, sleep, less stress, positive outlets.
I need to switch my brain off…
thejourneyx 