It turns out there is such a thing as working too much. I think I have finally found my limit.
I am at a crossroads. If I continue down this path I fear it will break me. Mentally or physically. I can already see the cracks forming.
When you are inundated with stress and/or lack of quality rest; your ability to manage your problems reduces rapidly and catastrophically. All it could take is one more push to cause a crisis or physical collapse.
Stepping back from the ledge
I keep coming dangerously close to this metaphorical ledge and each time I do, I just about manage to recover enough strength to continue.
The most recent pushes toward the ledge for me are the continuous mountain of meaningless paperwork (eating into time available to do anything else), the death of my grandma and, ironically, the stress and added admin of trying to find a way to reduce my working hours without taking too big a financial hit.
Physical symptoms
My body is producing all kinds of symptoms that are probably explained by lifestyle, stress and depression:
These include: mouth ulcers, soft spots on my scalp, a hazing of my vision (a bit like wearing sunglasses indoors), gastrointestinal issues, more extreme fatigue than before, excessive thirst, dizziness, headaches, foggy thinking and poor decision making, a building apathy, irritability, increased depression and sadness, occasional suicidal thoughts, and a counterintuitive drive for productivity even though my body and brain desperately need rest. I think the reason for the last one is to distract me from having too much time to think (I am writing this in a break at work). Not a healthy way to manage things.
Unsustainable
I do not know how much longer I can sustain this. I feel a fraction of who I used to be (physically and mentally).
When I started taking on extra work, I felt a little tired but I could manage it so I kept it up. I believed I could handle it for as long as necessary. It did not seem so bad at first but after 6 months I could see the toll it was and is taking on my physical and mental health.
Drowning/Sinking
Every time I say yes to work or productivity and no to rest, I attach an extra weight to myself. Each weight is small on its own, but few get taken off and before you know it you are neck deep, treading water. Apathy starts to whisper at you to just give in and give up.
When I was working even crazier hours I became wrecklessly apathetic. I just stopped caring. About life, about family, I was just existing. What was the point?
Thankfully my wife brought this up with me, we recognised it, reduced the number of hours I was working and things improved a little. Even with that reduction though, I am still working more than I should be. This cannot continue long-term.
Priorities
We are a one income family but my wife works 24/7 looking after our baby. She is exhausted too.
The original point was to save enough for a house and to build investments so that we can retire earlier. We have a savings safety net, but using that would erase all the progress made from taking on the extra work.
If it comes down to it though, I am at the stage where mental and physical health must take priority. I can earn less and we will still be okay.
Self-deception
In the fog of it you do not have the clarity, the sense of judgement to see if you are making the right decisions, or to even question what you are doing. You need to be able to step back and get an outside view of your situation. Writing is how I do that. Other times I need someone close to me to point things out.
To those on the outside it is obvious-cut down on work, recover. This is not how depression and stress work in my experience. You tell yourself that you can endure it no matter what (even with evidence to the contrary) and that the sacrifice you are making now is worth it for a better future.
***Spoiler alert***
The future does not exist!
The future does not exist-it is merely your imagination of what could be. This is why being present and making the most of life now is so important. If you destroy your health, your earning potential and enjoyment of life could be reduced in the future anyway. Focus on time, health and relationships.
My conclusions
You have choices:
1. Money vs time.
2. Money vs health.
3. Money vs relationships.
Money can always be made again. Time can never be recovered. Health and relationships can be recovered but there may be a permanent cost.
Looking at these choices laid out so clearly makes it seem so obvious now. I think I just wrote myself a wake up call.
Wisdom is learning from other people’s problems-I hope reading this can help someone avoid the situation I have put myself in.
If you need to take on extra work, I would suggest setting a time limit and being prepared to change course if it is negatively affecting your life.
Look into ways of making passive income, consider changing jobs, or give yourself a longer time-frame to reach your financial goals for the sake of your health and relationships.
If you are constantly working, pushing productivity or worrying about the next problem, you give yourself little space for new ideas. You may end up with filling your time with busywork, producing little meaningful progress.
Learn how and when to take strategic breaks and rest. If feels counterintuitive, but plan time and space for inspiration. You might just figure out how to build a ladder to get out of this hole.
thejourneyx 