The following is based on my experience. What works for me may not work for you.
See the links at the end for more resources.
Introduction
Stress can cause a whole range of problems, but you can overcome it by changing your thinking about stress and building systems and tools to deal with it. Each time you overcome a stressful situation you build resilience.
There are many causes of stress. Money, work, relationships and parenting are some common ones I will discuss as well my recent personal experience at the end. The tough part is getting to the other side. How do you maintain clear thinking and overcome the challenges you face?
Change your thinking
Sometimes, changing your perspective or expectations is enough to reduce the problem. Consider two situations:
1. Imagine you are driving and someone cuts you off. One reaction you could have is to get angry, shout and honk your horn.
Is the anger you feel useful for the situation? Does it solve anything?
Your blood pressure is up, you are not paying attention to the road, you are in a much worse mood, the rest of the day is ruined. Anger and negativity are a choice. Practise staying calm and rational, stay practical.
2. Imagine you have an exam coming up. You could put off studying, keep thinking about how badly you might do on the test and stay up at night worrying about it, or you could face it head on.
Think of the stress you feel as concentrated energy guiding you to focus on what is important to you. Do not give yourself time to worry about the potential consequences of failure. Focus on the task at hand, break it up into smaller pieces, work on it step by step. Think rationally-if you put in the work, you increase your chance of success.
Failure is a huge factor in success, so even if you “fail”, see it as an opportunity to learn. In the big picture it is a small event. Life will still work out if you are prepared to keep moving forward.
Reach out to others
Sometimes you simply need to ask for, accept and not feel guilty about asking for help from others. This can be people you care about or trained professionals. Sometimes you may just need a break from the stressful situation with someone you care about. There is no weakness in seeking help or support. Sometimes helping others can help you feel better too.
Avoid avoidance
Avoidance is the worst strategy in most cases-the problem is still there, you still have to deal with it at some point. In the meantime the problem is always in the back of your mind-all you will do is worry about it, causing more stress. When you are finally forced to deal with it, it may blow up into something bigger. Your ability to deal with it decreases as more stress builds. Starting the process immediately kills the fear of “what if”? The fear often outweighs the real situation-it is often not as bad as you think.
Learn how and when to relax
You know what makes you feel relaxed. It could be a bath, music, walking, being in nature, a hobby or sport. Whatever it is, you need a variety of tools to go to when the stress builds. Learn to recognise when your stress levels are affecting your clarity and judgement. This is when you need a time-out. Sometimes it feels counter-intuitive because you just want to solve the problem, but until you are able to make effective decisions again, you need to remove yourself from the situation, rest and relax. Come back to it when you are at least a little recharged. Make sure you get plenty of quality sleep and consider whether your diet or beverage intake is affecting your energy.
1. Money
In terms of money I could say a lot here, but I am not a financial advisor and there are far more qualified people who helped me with this so I will link to them at the end. The main principle is building good financial habits:
- Record everything you spend money on for at least a month (use an app or debit card)
- Identify and cut unnecessary spending
- Spend less than you earn (save 10%+ of your income)
- Learn about compound interest and investment
- Build a 3-6 month emergency fund (your essential living costs x no. of months)
- Prioritise paying off all debt ASAP (compound interest works both ways)
- Invest savings (around pay day, not the end of the month when the money is spent)
- Get appropriate insurance for you and your family
- Increase your income however you can: a pay rise, changing jobs, getting a second job, building passive income online, dividend investing etc.
It can be tough in the beginning and it can be boring, but it reduces a lot of stress and will free up more of your time to do what you want to later.
2. Work
If you have deadlines, you have to choose when to work on them and when to take strategic breaks and rest. If you keep pushing yourself you may cause more problems.
It is very easy to lose your judgement and make poor decisions when stressed. You have to give yourself time to step back from the situation. Until you are able to rest and step back, you will not be able to solve the problem efficiently.
When the noise in your head will not switch off at night, it is very tempting to get out of bed and start working on the thing that is causing you stress. This may not be the best decision as you are now burning your remaining energy much quicker. You spend far more time and may produce a poor quality result. It could be far more useful to do something else distracting and relaxing that takes minimal effort. Give yourself a break and come back to it when you have more energy and focus.
3. Relationships
Inevitably you will encounter problems with people or be forced to interact with those you do not like. The context will determine the course of action that is best for you. Sometimes, altering your expectations and changing the way you think about the situation is enough to minimise the impact.
If you have a recurring issue with someone you care about, talk about it openly. It may be an uncomfortable situation, but the problem probably will not just go away and will cause more stress long-term. If you both care about the relationship, you will find a solution together.
Do not let the little daily annoyances go unspoken. Anger can build up each time until it erupts into something huge and damages your relationship. Many problems can be caught and resolved if they are vocalised straight away.
If you do not have/want a meaningful connection with the person, avoidance may work out for the most part-some people are toxic and you simply need to cut them out of your life. However, sometimes it is not that simple. Sometimes you will still need to see or interact with that person-you may work or live with that person, it may be a family member, they may be the only person who can help you in a specific situation.
If you really believe it can lead to a better daily life, the ideal outcome is to have honest conversations with the person, but you need options first in case this does not work out. Examples could be a job offer at another company or finding another apartment or house mate. If the dialogue goes wrong and the situation gets worse, at least you have a Plan B.
If you have no choice but to deal with people you do not like on a regular basis, you need to set clear boundaries and stick to them. Always have a plausible reason to leave, or make your time limit clear from the beginning. Be polite but direct, have the interaction you need to have and get out. Do not waste your time and energy on people like this.
4. Parenting
Being a parent is demanding. It is really important to talk about your expectations with the other parent. You need to agree on who is responsible for what and have open communication about your wants and needs on a regular basis. Parenting is dynamic and needs change frequently for the parents and the child.
You are a team-look out for each other-if you can see that the other parent is exhausted, make sure they have a chance to have a break from it all and do something relaxing.
Having a support network of friends and family who can help look after your child or keep you company from time to time is a big help for reducing pressure. Do not feel guilty for asking for help.
Children are part mirror, part sponge-they copy behaviour and absorb emotion. Whether the parents are stressed and irritable or relaxed and content, the child will reflect this. It is much easier and more effective to look after the child when the parents are relaxed.
Consider your work/family life balance. Are you spending enough or too much time with your children? This is to say: are you both working too much? Or is one parent sacrificing everything to look after the child while the other parent is sacrificing everything to bring in enough income? Are you both able to spend quality time with your child and still have time to recharge? If it is unbalanced, can you afford to adjust it financially? Can you find a middle ground?
If one or both parents are spending all their time looking after their child, it can be bad for that parent’s mental health. Can a friend or family member help out sometimes, or can you get a nanny?
You may need to compromise, you may need to think outside the box. How can you make it work?
Conclusion
What are the takeaways from this?
- Harness the energy of stress-use it for good, use it to focus
- Change your perspective-things are not always how you perceive them
- Do not be afraid or feel guilty about asking for help
- Do not avoid problems, tackle them head on
- Build good financial habits
- Plan your time well
- Take strategic breaks
- Get plenty of rest
- Cut out toxic people from your life
- Be open about issues with people you care about immediately and work together to solve them
- Work together and communicate effectively with the other parent
- Learn how and when to relax!
- Do not let stress rule your health or your life
My recent experience with stress
My particular situation is not that complex, I just had a lot of things going on at once, and my stress levels built to an unsustainable level. I had paperwork deadlines to meet and observations to prepare for while still doing the main part of my job-teaching. I want to spend more time with family but I am working too many hours because of our financial goals. We need to find a balance.
When I get stressed, my concentration fades, my memory goes, my ability to make effective decisions is impaired.
I have productive time available (when my family are asleep) but it would be better to use it for rest, so that the next productive time is more productive and focused. It feels counter-intuitive.
I try to sleep and rest but I find myself internalising everything. It is like a cloud comes over me and I have singular vision for the thing that is bothering me. I become obsessed about fixing it, but my obsession can sometimes hinder my ability to function and figure out the solution.
When I harness the energy from the stress and combine it with strategic timing to rest, recover, and then work on the problem again, things improve quickly. I use my relaxation tools when my judgement is slipping and try to focus my thinking on positives and the feeling I will have after the end result (relaxed).
My wife and I discussed our family situation and came up with some possible strategies which we will be considering and implementing over the coming weeks. It comes down to what is more important-time or money? Although we have big financial goals, we will never get time back. Money can always be made again.
As I already knew deep down, the situations that were causing me the most stress (paperwork and observations) were not as bad as they seemed and I immediately felt much better afterwards. I know going forward that my ability to handle stress is now stronger than it was before, making me more prepared for the next challenge.
How about you? How has stress made you stronger?
My inspirations:
Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend
Jordan Peterson: The first 4 years of your child’s life
Go Curry Cracker -this is where my financial journey began
JL Collins: Stock Series -I learnt about stock market investing here as recommended by Go Curry Cracker
Meaningful Money -the podcast and handbook were the most helpful for me
Compound Interest Calculator -to get excited about what is possible for the future
https://www.calculator.net/compound-interest-calculator.html
thejourneyx 