Apathy

I hope by writing about my situation, you can learn things to avoid and things to do to look after your or someone else’s mental health.

As predicted in my post General update, I slipped into apathy. I was supposed to have a week off which would have given me time to recover and find clarity, but the situation changed and I ended up working anyway. I even forgot my own advice about memory. The irony. This is why writing is so important for me.

Nothingness

For the past few weeks I have mostly been feeling nothing. Not happy, not sad. Just…nothing…

Of course there have been isolated exceptions-there have been short joyous moments spent with family, but for the rest of my time, I have felt neutral.

For a person with depression, this could be seen as a positive, as it looks stable, even manageable, but for me it is a dangerous path.

Slippery slope

I have watched myself slip slowly toward apathy and I did nothing. I have lost my drive, my focus.

By choosing to do nothing about it, I have drifted towards an attitude of “what is the point? / why bother?” and that is a terminal path left unchecked.

Time to reevaluate

When I am in this situation I need to pause, remember what is good in my life and re-evalute the direction I am heading. What is important to my family and I? Where do we want to be?

Options

It has become clear that I am struggling to balance bringing an income to my family with my sense of purpose regarding my career path and value.

If you have been following my story, you will see that I have had several ideas of how to move forward, but so far, my research has shown me that changing career paths is going to cost a lot of time and debt with no guarantee of earning the same or more than now. This will push us further away from our financial goals. An alternative would be to start a business, but so far I have not come up with anything viable.

Constant struggle

I feel beaten down every time I adjust to the new challenges thrown at me. A part of me just wants to settle and accept that my job is reasonable and that is the way it will be, but for my health that is unhelpful as the risks range from carelessness which could threaten work and relationships, to outright danger (for the reasons described previously).

Time budget, recovery

I will be using the coming weeks to focus on reprioritising my time and focus. This will be a challenge, as schools are starting to go back to face to face teaching and my commute will return, along with the stress of managing children’s behaviour.

This makes it even more important to cut out unnecessary expenses-just like budgeting money, which in turn allows for more productive and restorative endeavours. I feel like maybe that is the key-time to stop and recover. I am not at my best and I cannot be if I am not clear-minded.

Like weeding a garden, I need to make space for new ideas to grow. Rediscover or find new passion.

I will keep fighting the urge to drift with the wind.

Keep fighting

The reason I keep fighting? The reason I can never give in to the darkness? Family. That is what drives me and pushes me away from the edge.

For people like me, you have to have something beyond yourself to cling to in rough times and also to give you motivation to push forward. What is your motivation to keep fighting?