(For tips, go to “Recognising someone with depression” and “What can you do to support people with depression?“)
“You’re so lazy!” “You’re so selfish!” “Why do you sleep so much?” “He’s so weak!”
“He’s just trying to get attention.” “He’s just trying to get time off work.”
Stigma
A lot of the stigma that comes with depression is through lack of understanding. People do not realise that people like me already tell ourselves some of these things and feel ashamed of them whether they are really our fault or not. Depression is a very selfish illness that results in a lot of focus on the self, low energy, low mood and brain fog to name just a few symptoms.
Hiding the problem
It is precisely because of these kinds of statements that I remain fairly anonymous in this journey. I have not told most of the people I know. My experience growing up was that people just don’t want to talk about something negative and start to view you in a negative light. The result for me? I got better and better at hiding it from people, I learnt what people want from a social interaction and then minimised the need to do it, further isolating myself from society and spending more and more time in my own head. This was clearly not a healthy long term solution, but you have to be careful who you talk to. This is exactly why we need to talk more openly about depression and mental health issues. Depression can happen to anyone no matter your background or perceived “strength”.
“Laziness”
What looks like laziness to you in many cases is not always that I do not want to do something, it is that depression drains you all the time, making even the simplest task seem like a lot of effort. Combine this with a negative pattern of thinking, a negative outlook on life-sometimes getting out of bed is a huge effort. What motivation is there to go out of the comfort and controlled environment of your room or house, put on a happy face and deal with people all day? Even the thought of washing up a cup seems like a lot of effort sometimes-a waste of my already low energy reserves. Clearly this does not work if you live with other people and it’s not much of a life.
What can you do if you have or think you have depression? I wrote about this in detail in my post “Depression: Triggers and tools”.
Recognising someone with depression
It’s important to note that when you are in a depressed person’s company, they may seem perfectly happy or normal. Depression does not necessarily mean that 100% of the time you feel sad-they might be really enjoying your company. At the same time though, they may be very good at putting on a happy face. A fake smile is different from a real smile. Someone with long-term depression may be hard to spot if they’re really good at hiding it, but facial expressions, tone of voice and behaviour can all be clues.
The following are all symptoms of depression:
Lack of energy, sleeping a lot or too little, a general lack of interest in daily activities, weight changes, anger, short temper, wreckless/self-destructive behaviour, concentration problems, unexplained physical symptoms.
If the depression is new to that person, changes in behaviour are often something to check in on.
Have they stopped doing things they enjoy? Have they stopped turning up to social events? Are they eating or sleeping more or less? Have they started any new negative behaviour?
What can you do to support people with depression?
First-I am not a medical professional. The suggestions I offer are based on my personal experience and knowledge of depression. Use your own judgement when using the following suggestions.
Be kind, do not judge-they’re probably already doing plenty of that to themself. Judging someone is a sure way to make someone shut down and avoid you.
Understand that sometimes there is no obvious “why”. If I knew why I was feeling down, maybe I could do something about it, but depression is not always logical.
Be patient. Recognise that what is easy for you might not be easy for me because I am constantly battling negative thinking and low mood. I may also be having issues with sleep or food which only compound the problem.
Asking someone if they are okay is a start, but most people will say that they are because that is what is expected in society.
Build trust. Do not force it, but be there for the person, give them company if they want it and make it clear that they can talk to you without judgement (be prepared to follow through on that!). Sometimes company, the ability to text or call you, or knowing that they can is enough to help.
The key is consistency, kindness and listening. Do not try to fix the person-ultimately the changes need to come from within, but make it clear they are not in this alone.
Let’s normalise talking about emotions and mental health.
thejourneyx 